I’m a recovering academic: a university lecturer that chose to leave the ivory tower because, frankly, I prefer my own company. I still run into young students, however, who are keen to work in academe and pump me for advice. In the true spirit of the internet, here’s my take on how to succeed in the university world for students looking to the university as a future career option.

Prospective academics should preferably:
1. Be clever. But not too clever.
2. Never tell anyone that you want to be an academic. Least of all the person grading your current paper.
3. Read enough, but not too much.
4. Write more than you read.
5. Talk a lot about things you’ve read. Even if you haven’t read them.
6. Never humiliate, question, seduce or yell at someone who you might one day ask for a reference.
7. Drink something that looks strong, but isn’t when attending anything where professors or academic staff are drinking booze. You’ll need your wits about you to remember to pump them for info.
8. Don’t moan if your supervisor forgets your meetings, doesn’t read your work properly, forgets your name, or criticises your work. You need to take it on the chin, buckle down and do whatever it takes to get your thesis.
9. Go to the most prestigious university you can afford/get into.
10. Be a single, white male.