Comments on: Tips on Being a Stepmom

By: Jenn

Jenn — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 06:11:56 +0000

I agree. I think some of the things said on here are terrible and its clear those relationships have no chance of survival. However, I do understand the challenges of being a stepmom. I have 2 stepdaughters.. ages 8 and 11.. they are wonderful kids, and the 11 yo especially bonded with me. Their mom is quite a flake and I would say she acts like a mom when she wants to/its necessary/its beneficial to her. The girls currently do one week with us, and one with their mom and stepdad. Their mom had a baby about 6 mos ago and he seems to be her focal point right now. My 8yo is quite attached to her mom and dad.. but very sweet and cuddly with me and my family, while my 11yo is warm/cold with her mom and recently has not been very affectionate with her, while she remains a cuddlebug with me. My issue is more that I’m frustrated with the title of “stepmom”.. I wish I was their mom.. god knows I do tons more for them.. but I guess I just feel like the label tells ppl that I’m a second-class mother.
We are currently in the process of adopting our own little boy together, and our girls are thrilled and we try in every way we can to make sure they are a part of the whole journey. I just wish they would call me “mom”.. but I am very careful about not trying to replace their mom and try to ensure they have a good relationship with her (we avoid any negative comments about her or her lifestyle when the children are around) despite her lacking in the maternal department.
I do understand the trials of the whole thing.. I didn’t feel a rush of love for them right off the bat but as we spent more time together and made family memories together, I began seeing them as my own kids and as mentioned thats where I have issues.. I suppose just the jealousy of their mother and I find it hard when the littlest girl acts like she prefers my fiance majority of the time. It may be true.. but it does tend to hurt my feelings..

By: ItsSo Hard

ItsSo Hard — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 10:26:04 +0000

I am sitting with a problem, I love my fiance and I love my two step children. It hasnt been easy to get to the point where I feel like they are my kids, even though Im not their biological mother, but I have. The problem I have is that I feel like a single mother to kids who are not even mine. Their dad works all the time to give them everything they need finacially, and their mom just isnt very clued up on her kids. I would die for those kids, but for my fiances family it just is not enough. Particualrly my future father in law. He never acknowledges that I have to be a mother for his gran children, and always puts me down. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever done, but how do I walk away? Do I leave the 3 most important people in my life behind? My fiance also does not want anymore children, and I desperately want my own child some day. All this is just eating me up inside. I have to be a mom without ever wearing the t-shirt.

By: L.O

L.O — Thu, 06 May 2010 05:26:24 +0000

WoW… I am floored by some of these comments. My Fiance has a 4 year old and it def. not easy. You really need to know your boundries of being a parent but not taking place of their real mom. His ex and I do not get along but I have tried to reach out and befriend her. I love his son so much that I cannot wait to have one of my own. If you dont like the kids that your partner has than you shouldnt be selfish and stay in the relationship because the kids come first. I fell in love with my Fiance because of how great of a father he is and I wouldnt change it for the world…

By: Hj

Hj — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 08:37:04 +0000

No-one said it was going to be easy! I take both sides of this on board – everyone is different so no-one can say that a woman should feel a particular way. I too met a man 8 months ago & we decided to only see each other when his 8 year old was with his mum as I didnt want to get serious (I had only recently come out of my marriage) & wasn’t ready to be brought into a child’s life to which he agreed. Then after 6 months we decided to take it a step further & try to make something of it & try having a relationship. At first I had huge amounts of love for his little boy & he warmed to me very quickly – as we both warmed to each other & for a while there is seemed picture perfect. However of course it is different to loving your own child for many reasons. Firstly you never really know where their loyalty lies, if you dont already have children is it only natural to occassionally contemplate what it would be like if it was just the 2 of us & when daddy has said he can stay up to midnight on friday night it is frustrating because you dont want to be the evil stepmum but that is late for an 8 year old & god knows after a huge week at work you wouldnt mind winding down with your man without a child destroying the lounge room! It is also hard because as maternal as you might be, taking on a child of that age is challenging as they are already set in their ways. The only thing this child eats is chicken nuggets, sausages & chips! I try to introduce healthy things & although I have my partners support it just ends up in an argument & then everyone feels bad. If he was my kid he never would have gotten to this age without eating vegies every day. So you end up trying to make rules & be a responsible parent whilst also trying to build a relationship with the child (& your partner). Like I said it is hard but I do not believe it is impossible. In saying this though I am still not sure if it will work. I am going to give it the best shot I possible can but I am also realistic about the situation & I will not get to the point of being depressed, bitter, resentful or otherwise as some of these women have become. You always have choices in life & if you are not happy with your partner (which includes his kids which are a part of his life forever) then you need to make the stand & leave & do what is best for you as it is not a good situation for anyone. As mentioned before the most important thing to consider is that you don’t know how you are going to feel in this situation – no-one can prepare you for something you have never before experienced. You can only make the best of the situation when the time comes & express love in all you do – not just love for your partner, his kids but also for yourself & what is best for you as a human so that you life the most fulfilled & enriched life possible

By: JustJ

JustJ — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 17:46:38 +0000

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who happens to have a wonderful 8-year-old little girl. She is a typical child ( if not a little to smart for her age) I knew about her from day one and from day one I though hard about if this is what i wanted and if I could be a good stepmother. Her mother and I have a very different idea of how children should be raised and that makes it harder but I love her father and as time has gone by I grew to love her too. I cant believe how many articles I am reading where step moms think its normal to “dislike” “dread” or “hate” there stepchildren… HOW could you marry their father then? The children are apart of him? Did you think they would just dissapear? or you would need to be involved.
It make since why the divorce rate is so high these day seems like no one thinks before they leap

By: SheilaGail

SheilaGail — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 18:23:42 +0000

I am also a step mother and when I first got with the dad the kids liked me and approved of me. After my stepson went to stay with his moms for a weekend. He came back home with a bad attitude towards me and treats me like I am a nobody. I know that Im not his mother nor do I pretend to take her place. She walked out on my now husband and her two children and left them for another man.

By: Tristan

Tristan — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 03:29:22 +0000

Wow! I am amazed by the negative response that I have seen on this page. Did any of you women discuss the pros and cons to being a step mom with your significant other? Did you expect that it would be easy? You all sound horrible. It seems to me that all you woman put up with the children to get the man. You know that whole if the kid likes me than he will have to like me. Do any of you love your husband or have you just settled?The responsible thing it seems would have been to sit down and really think about what being a step mom is all about. Everyone knows there are warning signs in the beginning of a relationship that it is not going to work. You know that saying “Follow your gut” Well… It is there for a reason. I have meet this wonderful man whom has three children. One of which lives with him. He is 8. I love his father and when we met we started off as friends. I met his son while his father and I were friends. I love them both and I could never imagine saying the things that you ladies have said. It saddens me that woman are that selfish… I never thought that I would be a Stepmom in my whole life, and I know that it will be hard, but I love those two guys very much. what you ladies have written only tells me that you should have never married these men. It also make me question what you all would be like as real mothers. These are children. The cannot help that they are brought into this world just like your own. If you cannot except them than how are you going to except one that is of your blood. Just because it is of your blood, that is the only reason??? Does not make sense. Here is some advice from a new step mom to you all or any read this. Care honestly. Talk to the man that you are with in full detail about how you feel the children and him. Be open and honest. .
Get to know the children seperate from the father. Be patient not all children are asreceptive as others. Love them as if they were your own. Be there for them, but also do not try and replace their mother. It is actually really easy. You will know if it is right through and through. Please take your time and really search your feeling honestly. These children don’t need to suffer again especially if you are not sure. Don’t get invovled unless YOU are ready to be there.

By: fed up

fed up — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:46:29 +0000

Never marry a man with kids

By: fed up

fed up — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:45:10 +0000

I hate being a step mother, I have the world’s worst loser step sons. One who wanted to be a drug dealer, but he was his favorite customer; and the other who beats severely every woman he gets involved with. Both of whom had the nerve to reproduce and between the two brought 10 other kids into the work all by different women. One of the two killed hiself and left us to raise one of his three sons. What a fricken task that is. I raised mine already and Im ready to retire not start all over. The biological father wants to keep his grandson to try to make up for what he did not do right with the other two, I think its a bit late and it will not make him feel any different. Any good divorce lawyers out there? Need serious help!!!!

By: Abs

Abs — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:26:13 +0000

I am a step mom of two, 9 & 12. They both adore me, and there is never a complaint about his ex, but I feel I am becoming more disengaged with them over time. My husband has no boundaries for the children. They are with us everyother weekend, and I have become to dread this time. I feel like a horrible person for being this way. When it is a weekend for them to visit, we cannot make any other plans (have friends over, go out for a couple of hours)because he feels like this shows them that they are not loved. They are sneaky around him, if I say or ask for them to do something they listen to me until my husband is near, then I get completely blowed off, because they know tthey can get away with things with him. We do compete for his attention, but that does not bother me most of the time, and I do my best not to show it. I feel that I do isolate myself when they are with us though. Whenever I try to address my feelings, of their being disrespectful of our things and not listening to me, my husband he blames me for “hating them”. He does not see that they are anything but perfect. They are good kids, and we do get along fine,but they are not mine.